Baby gear after 4 kids

After 4 kids, we've been through lots of baby gear. Here are my favorites, these past 8 years. 

• convertible carseats. Lugging around a huge infant seat was not good for me or for my baby. Convertible seats last years anyway, less waste.
• ikea high chair. No crevices. I wish it had a smaller base but it's simplicity and price can't be beat. (Even better, got our's at a yard sale for $1!)
• mattress covers. Get 2 for every bed. You just never know who, when or what will a spring will leak. 
• removable shower head. quick baby bath after diaper explosions and helpful for washing out shampoo for toddlers and preschoolers)
• slow flow attachment for shower head. This allows you to lower the pressure of your shower head for sensitive babies and increase it for you, the mom, when you need a needle-sharp skin-melting session, I mean, shower. 
• quality baby carriers. My favorite for the first few months is Solly wrap. We've tried lots of Ergobaby carriers and I love the performance one the most. I've used the same one for 3 kids. Nate likes wearing our Tula, it's more cushy and wider. I think Ergobaby is made for smaller frames. Past baby carrier posts here and here.
• chicco liteway stroller. The first stroller we got and it's so simple, lightweight and durable. I got a fancy one (city select) for when I had 3 small enough to push around. Went back the to city liteway with no regrets.
• puj tub. In the sink tub, folds up to store, easy-peasy.
• wet bag. Not just for cloth diapers. Helpful for dirty diapers away from home and great for taking home wet swimsuits too. I keep one in the car always.
• simple, wipeable changing mat. We've never had a changing table or big sturdy pad. Always changed on the floor with a travel mat. The linked one was a gift and has been used for 3+ years now!
• backpack as diaper bag. No need for a fancy bag at all. 
• Luvs or store brand diapers. Actually, we always used Huggies for the first couple of months and then switched to cheaper ones. We have done cloth off and on with baby #4 but I'm kind of done with that now. And I don't feel bad about it.

If you need more ideas, I wrote more about this at Lactation Link a while back. 

But above all the gear, what you really need is a community of support around you. Spend some time meditating on how you can help create that for yourself and others. Read the books. Go to the classes. Listen to the podcasts. Look past the baby registry. Inform your intuition. You got this.

• Book recommendations:
• The Birth Partner
• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
• Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn
• Class recommendations:
• Prenatal yoga (step one in creating a community of support around you!)
• Birth: Evidence-Based Birth. One silver lining of the pandemic is so many classes going online, so if you didn't have an instructor in your area, you can access them online.
• Breastfeeding: Lactation Link all online and go at your pace!
• Podcast recommendations:
• Birthful
• The Birth Hour
• Evidence Based Birth

One last bit of unsolicited advice, we can read all the books and listen to the all the podcasts, decorate the nursery and do all the research...but if we aren't involving our partner in all that, we are not setting ourselves up for success. There is a meme going around that sums it up pretty well: what we talked about before birth vs what we should have talked about.  

What we talked about:

• nursery decor
• what stroller to get
• which carseat to get
• which hospital to choose
• possible birth positions

What we forgot to talk about:

• how I wanted my partner to support me during labor
• why I wanted to birth the way I did
• what signs of PPMD are (for mom and dad!)
• how my partner could be involved in baby's care
• how to tap into community in the early baby days

Much of parenthood is just what you have to learn as you go, but having intentional conversations about how you will handle future struggles can only help.

Mother's Day: Mothers With Us & Before Us

My mom and baby Riah and cousins.

"We need the mothers who bore us and who bear with us." 

-Sheri Dew

We need the friendship, sisterhood and solidarity of the mothers who bear with us. 

We need the wisdom and perspective of the mothers who bore us. 

The mother who bore us includes all mother-mentors of the previous generation. 

Mothers who bear with us say, "yes, me too."

Mothers who bore us say, "it gets better."

Mothers who bear with us are for playgroups and trips to the museum. 

Mothers who bore us are for date nights and loving our children as much as we do.

We need them both. Let us appreciate them. Let us be them.

Me and my mommy sisters. (miss my long hair! and them :)

Calder's Birth Story

Calder Broderick Parr

Born at home on April 30, 2019 at 10:32 PM

9 pounds 23.5 inches

Calder means rough waters or stream. We chose this name because want him to feel connected to this water-rich place we love so much. Broderick is Nate's maternal grandmother's maiden name. All of our kids have a family middle name, in hopes that it will connect them to their familial roots.

Summary
Calder was my second planned home birth and it was super fast! Everything went well and we are so glad he is here!

Pregnancy
I wrote a bit already about preparing for this birth already, so I won't say as much about my pregnancy. The first trimester, as usual for me, was a blur of nausea and exhaustion. I would come downstairs in the morning, throw some food at the kids and lay down again in the living room. Our sweet kiddos, especially Riah, would come and tuck a blanket around me and give me a kiss. :) Lots of things got forgotten as dishes, chores and laundry piled up. Thankfully, it did not last forever and the glorious 2nd trimester began. I was productive and excited. I started a new project to connect new moms and made all kinds of career plans. ;) We found our rhythm in homeschool and in general around the house. I was feeling ready to bring a new baby to our family. As the third trimester came, my aches and pains accumulated and I got serious about remedying those, determined to enjoy this final pregnancy and birth. I wrote more about that here.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, of course, I wanted him here but I was also really enjoying being pregnant. Knowing it was probably my last chance, I was trying to enjoy feeling his movements, appreciate the way my body could hold him and support me as well. Being a part of creation is a beautiful, sacred blessing and I'm grateful I could find moments of joy at the end of pregnancy. Since the beginning, rather than tell everyone my due date (April 23) and gets lots of calls and texts saying, "is the baby here, is the baby here??" around that date, I was intentionally vague and said I was due "sometime in early May." Because I said it so often, this ended up helping me a lot mentally--I was convinced of it myself!

Thoughts on midwifery care
My love for midwives is not something I'm quiet about so this will come as no surprise but I love being cared for by a midwife! I feel lucky to have landed in another place with access to great midwifery care. I met Tavniah Betts, CPM soon after moving here and we had some great conversations about helping low-income and women of color better access to midwifery care. I knew her and her background already so it was easy to choose her for my prenatal care when I got pregnant.

Our appointments are close to an hour each time because we chat about the pregnancy, preparing for birth, my family and everything in between. I never feel hurried and I always feel cared for. Tavniah has a home office so we did most of our visits there. I was hoping for all home visits because I liked those so much last time. But I was able to leave the kids with Nate for most of my appointments so it was really nice to have time to think and talk to Tavniah (without interruptions) about this baby. In addition, it's fantastic to be able to text or call her anytime with concerns or questions. When I got a stomach virus late in the 3rd trimester, she came late at night to help me and listen to the baby. Everyone should have access to this kind of care. In Canada and other countries, women with low-risk pregnancies are almost always cared for by midwives and are able to choose between hospital or home birth. Coordinated care is the gold standard and women in the U.S. deserve it.

Birth prep
In the final weeks of pregnancy, I purchased all my birth supplies, threw together a few more frozen meals and waited patiently for baby. I finished up the birth space. Around 38 weeks I began feeling practice contractions more and more often. This excited me knowing that my body was getting ready. A few days after my due date, I thought I was really in labor. My contractions started in the afternoon and were getting stronger and stronger throughout the night. I woke a few times to work through them. I alerted the birth team around 4am that today might be the day. I was really awake at this point. I got up, watched some birth videos hoping they would increase my oxytocin levels (ha) but all the surges fizzled out!

I wasn't as patient with pregnancy after that disappointment. The 42 week deadline for a planned home birth seemed closer and closer.

Nate's paternity leave started and we kept busy with projects around the house and yard. The weather warmed a bit and we visited the break wall in Two Harbors and made plans to swim there in the summer.

The birth
On Tuesday April 30, the day started normally. I was exactly 41 weeks pregnant and Tavniah came over to do a membrane sweep. I had a horrible experience with that when I was pregnant with Bridger and have since discouraged moms from doing them. But it turns out the evidence for it is pretty good if you are considered past your due date. She was much more gentle than the hospital midwife that did one for me several years ago. I was 2 cm dilated, 50% effaced, very soft and baby was very low and in a great position. She listened to baby again and left. We went about our day. We cleaned out the basement as a family. I sent everyone a photo of me balancing my lunch on my belly. Around lunch what was feeling like crampiness started to feel like real surges. They increased gradually throughout the afternoon. By dinnertime, I was stopping to breathe through them. I figured they would fizzle out when I laid down so I tried not to make a big deal out of it. I didn't want to be disappointed again! We got the kids ready for bed and I read On the Banks of Plum Creek to the boys. I stopped a few times to breathe through a surge. Bridger and Colden would jump out of bed and rub my back without being asked. They were great little dude-las!

Didn't think I was in labor, ha.

All the kids were asleep by 9. I went into our room to find Nate and Riah asleep in our bed. I nudged Nate a few times to move Riah. I was really working through surges now. I was getting on the floor and going into laborland each time. I had bled through a couple pantiliners and that concerned me. I called Tavniah and sent her a picture of the blood. I had to pause while talking with her but I still thought that maybe I wasn't in labor, haha! I told her not to come yet. Riah's birth was so long, I didn't want to make everyone wait around forever. But after a surge or two,  I couldn't even think about going to bed now. Nate got up and moved Riah and I told him this was probably it. I was shivering and cold. I changed out of tight yoga pants and put on pajama pants and a nightie and a sweater. Nate put the electric blanket on me and called Tavniah again. The blood and the shivering meant I was dilating fast. She moved quick and got here by 10pm. I was back and forth between the bedroom and the bathroom as my body was cleaning itself out. Yay. I knew Nate was struggling with the grossness of that and the rapidity of the labor but he was the only one there for a time and I needed him. He was a champ and stayed close by. He knew just what to do, massaging my lower back and encouraging me. "You're doing great. You've done this before. You've got this."

When Tavniah arrived, she laughed as she saw us trying to quickly put the plastic on the bed. I kept having to stop for surges and was somehow in the tiniest corner of the room each time. Finally, Nate suggested I move so they could help me with the next one. I went to the bathroom again and Tavniah followed. She helped me through a few. They were coming really fast now. I couldn't tell the difference between them anymore. I wasn't sure when one ended and another one started. Sitting on the toilet, clenching her arm, I told her, "there's pressure down there!" She smiled and said, "there's a baby down there too!" Then another surge came. After that Tavniah suggested I get off the toilet so she could help me better since baby was coming! I had already taken off my sweater and kicked my pants off. After another surge, I took off my nightie too and got on my hands and knees. They quickly laid towels out.

We had been calling our doula around 9:30 and got no answer. I had forgotten that she was sick and I should call her backup. Well she got our messages and the backup, Cooper, came about 15 minutes after Tavniah did. I had already met Cooper and I was happy to see her when she found us in the bathroom.

The surges were so intense and so fast. I was really struggling not to fight against them. I kept gasping that they were coming too fast but Tavniah assured me fast was okay. I tried to relax my shoulders and groan deeply. Nate kept asking if I wanted to move to the bedroom, "just move real quick, won't take long." Absolutely not. I was NOT moving. It was hard enough to get off the toilet and onto the floor. When he realized I wasn't going anywhere, he ran downstairs and came back, with lightning speed, with cushions for my knees. Cooper put a cool wet cloth against the tub ledge where I was resting my forehead. I was burping a bunch and Nate pushed aside the shower curtain in case I barfed. Thankfully, I did not. I had had enough of that when I had the stomach bug a couple weeks prior.

Anyway, I started getting pushy and tried to let my body do what it needed to. But it's hard when it's so fast! I couldn't wrap my head around it. I didn't want to push because I didn't want to push for like an hour like last time. But one thing I feel really good about was that I was more focused on the baby this time. When I was pushing Riah out, my midwife tried to get me to touch her head but I couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine a baby coming out! But this time, I was singing to the baby and thinking about him coming down. Reminding myself all this work was for a BABY! My pushes started getting really intense and I was worried at times I would wake the other kids with my roaring but they slept through the whole thing! Pushing is such hard work. I had to really concentrate and let my body do the work and push other thoughts out. I was very prepared to labor...not so much to push! I think I told Nate three times, "I CAN do this. But I'm NOT doing it again! Nate, I'm really not doing this again!" Meaning, I didn't want to give birth again. "Okay, okay that's fine with me!" :)

He was coming down so fast that I could literally feel my pelvic bones opening up. I didn't feel the ring of fire around my perineum, I really felt the pressure internally. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that Tavniah was supporting my bottom with a warm wet cloth the whole time. I gave a mighty push and reached down to feel what felt like his entire head all the way out! (It wasn't, but close.) "Another big push and I'm going to hand him to you between your legs." And that's what happened! I gave one more mighty push and he was here in my arms! So slippery, grayish blue and pink all at the same time. After just a moment he was crying and making himself known! He even tried to latch for a second or two. I leaned back on my heels and delivered the placenta. That came quickly too! Everyone helped me clean up a bit and then went to the bedroom to lay down with our little guy! I pushed for 12 minutes. He was in the perfect position, so I feel really good about all the preparation I did to accomplish that!

It turns out that births that happen quickly usually end up being pretty uncomplicated and I felt lucky that was the case. I had had another successful homebirth before but there is always the fear that we will need to go to the hospital. Glad we got to stay home and enjoy that peace.

During my last labor, I really wanted to give birth on my hands and knees but had to lay on my side instead, because of Riah's position. So it was super nice to do what came naturally this time. My shoulders were hurting a bit the next couple days though! Worth it.

While I rested, Tavniah did all the baby measurements and Nate cut the cord. We all guessed his weight and length to be around 7 or 8 pounds and 21 inches and we were all wrong! He was 9 pounds and 23.5 inches. He was definitely our longest baby (should have guessed that with all the crazy/ouchy kicks he had been giving me in utero!) but Riah beat him by 5 ounces in weight. Sometime after midnight Cooper left after helping me shower and get back in bed. Tavniah left with her giant suitcase of supplies awhile later with plans to come back for a 24 hour visit the following day. I didn't sleep much because of all of the adrenaline but I was sure happy to be finished with pregnancy and to have little Calder breathing steadily next to me.

It's funny even when you are a birth nerd like me and know that birth never goes to plan, we still make all kinds of plans. I guess it gives us something to pass the time while we wait for baby. I had so many plans and lists! All these things to do during early labor.  I had planned to be in our bedroom for sure! I made this whole wall of art and affirmations to help me. But since I had put it up so early on in my pregnancy, I looked at it often and those images and words became a part of me. I didn't need to see them in labor, there were already written on my heart. And while I didn't have any of my family there in-person this time, all of my siblings and my parents were still surrounding me!

While I was pregnant, I tried to visualize how I wanted this birth to go. I envisioned a nighttime birth with the kids all asleep. I envisioned him coming slowly and me breathing him down. So I got half of that wish...not too shabby!

Best laid plans and all that...

He was named Anders for the first day but that didn't fit. So we tried Calder on and that did! The kids woke up the following morning and sleepily and very happily met the new baby. They were so sweet and so excited.

Postpartum
So many friends and family have already helped us and we are so grateful. Funny story: our friend Laura came over to help with the kids in case they woke up during labor. The kids didn't wake (best case scenario!) so she was super sweet and cleaned up our kitchen and dining room. We found out later that she had swept that whole area with the tiny kid broom because she couldn't find the normal broom. That was real dedication! I laughed so hard thinking of her leaned over that tiny broom! (the normal broom was in the basement from our clean up earlier in the day). So blessed to have good friends here. My friend Kari also had all the kids over the following day and brought us dinner. So many others have brought over groceries, made us dinner and more. My sister Mandi came for a weekend and did so much for us! We were sad to see her go. Because we've had so much help, I was able to stay in bed and rest for longer. My recovery has been amazing.

The following week, the boys stayed with Grandma for 5 days. It was super nice to have a quieter house and concentrate on the baby as well as Riah. She had a great time with more attention from us. We have really felt so supported and we are so grateful!

What a change it is to bring a new child into the world. I am so grateful we were able to bring him to our family. What a gift!

I wish we could have taken more photos, but I was naked the entire time so it's unlikely I would have shared them anyway, ha! But it sure makes me appreciate my dear friend Cate and the gorgeous photos she took at Riah's birth.

Riah's birth story.
Colden's birth story.
Bridger's birth story.

Preparing for Our 4th Baby

I opened blogger to write my birth story and found this draft I started a few months ago. Added a few more paragraphs to finish it up. Next up is the birth story!

I'm just about 32 weeks along and really getting excited for this baby! For the first time, this baby was a bit of a surprise but I'm so ready to bring him into our family. I feel like he is already a part of it! The older kids, even little Riah are so aware of this pregnancy and are thrilled to have a new little brother. That has made it all the more real for me too. That and he is probably my most active baby in-utero! He is always making himself known. Can't wait to meet him.

Coming into a new community here in Duluth has positively affected my preparations for this baby. Many of my friends here are just as passionate about birth and motherhood as I am and have had their own homebirths before. There is a great community of birth workers and midwives that I have been drawn to. It's really such a great community and I feel so grateful to be here. My understanding of pregnancy and motherhood has expanded in the last few years and I love that I get to apply it in this, our (probably) final pregnancy and birth.

Physical
Avoiding Kidney Stones
4 days postpartum with Colden and during my 3rd trimester with Riah, I got kidney stones and was hospitalized to deal with the pain. We were determined to not have that happen again. With some research and advice from my midwife, I figured my kidney stones were due in large part to all the Tums I took during those 2 pregnancies. (I only get heartburn while pregnant). I started taking papaya enzymes instead (basically the natural Tums) and they actually helped so much more than Tums. Along with eating at particular times, having better posture while sitting, not bending over after eating etc, I was able to control my heartburn a bit. AND thank the Lord above, avoided kidney stones. Hallelujah!

Yoga
When I was preparing for Colden's birth (my first natural birth), I came across a great prenatal yoga class. That really helped me connect to that pregnancy and taught me a lot about my breath and relaxing for birth. I found another near the end of Riah's pregnancy and it was the restorative peace that I needed! I feel so lucky to have found the best kind of yoga here in Duluth. Women Circling Women is a fantastic resource that is led by Stacy, a kind and gentle woman who truly connects women in the most fundamental ways. I leave her classes feeling rejuvenated and also connected to a community of fellow mothers. I wish everyone had something like it!

Craniosacral Therapy
I get awful tail bone pain while pregnant so my midwife, Stacy and others recommended I go see a craniosacral therapist. Deb has taught me so much about not only alleviating pain but preparing my pelvis so that birth can be less painful. (Sit on your sit bones! Not on your sacrum!) The ability to birth is less about your ability to push but more about how your uterus is situated in your pelvis, how tight/twisted your ligaments are, how twisted your pelvis is, etc. This all lines up with what Spinning Babies has taught for a long time. I used to think Spinning Babies was just for turning breech babies. But breech or head down are only the most general categories for baby's position. The smallest turn of baby's head can make birth that much harder. (I know because Riah was turned!) The things I do with my body during pregnancy and before like carrying toddlers on my hip, sitting on my sacrum, tilting my pelvis under (and more!) all contribute to baby's positioning. Fingers crossed everything I've learned and done make a difference! (Spoiler alert: it did!) Here is Deb's website: http://www.northernlightswellness.com/

Massage/Movement
My friend Maria, a massage therapist and movement teacher has helped me in many of the same ways that cranial-sacral work has. They really complement each other. With help from both of them, I was able to get my uterus centered in my pelvis and baby in the right position. (Again, sit on your sit bones! Not on your sacrum!) Here is Maria's website: https://www.massageandmovement.org/

Mental/Emotional/Spiritual
Nate put up a shelf in our room and I filled it with art prints of mothers and women. Each print has deep spiritual meaning for me. (Artists: Katie Garner, Brian Kershisnik, J. Kirk Richards and Caitlin Connolly) I also went through my favorite birth affirmations from Riah's birth and picked out what spoke to me this time. I made a few more after listening to this podcast. Letting my mind take a backseat and allowing my body to do all the heavy lifting made a lot of sense to me. Also, a couple friends in yoga mentioned some physical/outdoors experiences that had helped them prepare for birth. That made me think about repelling and how you have to let go and back over the ledge. You have to trust your preparation and support. You have to become a part of the mountain. In that vein, I didn't want to have my mind getting in the way of what my body knows how to do. When on the mountain, your mind can really mess you up. You just have to breathe and let the process unfold.

I also displayed photos of each of my family members. One of my mom supporting me through my last labor, that's a very special memory for me. One of me and my dad at my wedding. An old one of me and my sisters and another of me and all my siblings. I wanted to feel their strength and love and seeing them in photos helps! Once I got those up, I felt like I could birth this baby! Their love was surrounding me as I brought one final spirit to Earth.

Practical
I did a bit more food prep this time. A few frozen meals and snacks ready to go. Lots of meat cooked and then frozen. I stocked the pantry with dry goods and other snacks. I stocked my nursing/diaper basket to keep by my bed. (Nursing pads, diapers, wipes, diaper cream, lanolin/nipple cream, water for me, breastfeeding answer book or other book to keep my mind occupied in the long hours of nursing :)

Birth story coming soon!

Other posts about preparing for birth:
Happy Birth
Preparing for a natural birth
Looking past the baby registry

My writing at Lactation Link

After working at WIC as a breastfeeding peer counselor for a year, in 2016, soon after Riah was born, I started working with Lactation Link as a lactation educator and the blog manager. I LOVED working with such a passionate and knowledgable group of women! It was such a great experience for me. A few months after moving to Minnesota, I left LLink to spend more time with the kids and concentrate on homeschooling. I miss those ladies and helping moms breastfeed!

For funsies, I've compiled the blog posts I wrote for LLink below.

Unconventional & Super Helpful Baby Gifts
I would add a removable showerhead now! So much easier to rinse squirmy babies and toddlers!

3 of the Best Things You Can Do During Pregnancy

3 Tips for Labor and Delivery to Make Breastfeeding Easier

How to Breastfeed in Public

Finding the Right Nursing Pad for You

Should I Wake the Baby to Breastfeed? 

5 Ways Grandmas Can Support Breastfeeding

World Breastfeeding Week 2018

Disclaimer: My tone in this post is angry and at times sarcastic because I'm FED UP. Proceed with caution.

For any mom out there that did not breastfeed at all or as long as they hoped I honor your journey.

World Breastfeeding Week is great for us in the Northern Hemisphere because it's during the summer and often when breastfeeding is more visible. Like all times of the year, babies have to eat in the summertime. And to the shock of some in America, some of these babies do not appreciate eating under a tent of cloth. And so everyone loses their mind. 

Recently in some LDS mom groups, I noticed a mom reaching out for support and perspective because some in her congregation were upset her baby needed to eat while at church. As she updated the posts, it became clear that things were getting out of hand. As reported in The Exponent II, the issue was voiced to her stake president and he was not supportive of her and her child. It's just all so disappointing. How absurd that it was anyone else's business to begin with! Tragically, her ability to attend the temple, sacred sites of learning and growth for Mormons, has been put into question. 

I did write our female leadership and respectfully ask that they consider the needs of the worldwide church and create a breastfeeding policy that would welcome the feeding of infants and children in whatever way the breastfeeding dyad (mother and baby) requires.

Some have chosen to push back against this story and deny its legitimacy and even go so far as claim the sister is an exhibitionist. I have enough personal experience from breastfeeding for a total of 4.5 years that these troubling opinions exist. Whether or not this particular story is true is of no consequence. American culture objectifies women and when women use their bodies in the way that God designed, our culture often takes issue with it. I believe that when the rising generation is able to witness women’s breasts being used as they were intended, a healthier culture is born. We can shed the over-sexualization of women’s bodies. We can create a healthy culture that values the nourishing contributions of women to their families.

A detail from Stanisław Wyspiański’s “Macierzynstwo” (1905). via

Since THE BEGINNING OF TIME women have breastfed their babies and young children. They didn't need covers or blankets or hot, stuffy, stinky rooms. Everyone around them knew what boobs were for and didn't bat an eye because boobs are for nursing.

But they're sexual! They're inappropriate for public! What if an unsuspecting young man sees a nipple?!  I hear you. I really do. But guess what else is really sexual? My neck. My husband loves to kiss it and I enjoy it too. But because I have a brain and so does (usually) everyone else around me, I know it's real purpose is to hold up my head. So I don't feel the need to cover it when in public. Isn't that great? Aren't our bodies amazing? Their parts can have more than one use! Astonishing, really. And if a young man sees an exposed breast, thank God it will be in the context of nourishing a child and not in the context of seeking a man's desire. See how that's different? It's all about the context. 

great quote from Beauty Redefined

gym-nurstics does not fit under a cover

Now I don't need to go into all the reasons why breastfeeding with a cover isn't always an option. Others have done that rather well already (ScaryMommy, Mommyish). And not every mom wants to and that's okay. What is important is that she is supported in whatever she chooses because a baby's need to eat supersedes an onlooker or passerby's comfort every time. My choice to breastfeed without a cover started with my oldest. When Bridger was a baby, I was much more timid about breastfeeding and while in my parents' living room, alone, I covered him with what was close by, a rather thick baby blanket. A friend came in to chat and so I felt the need to keep my chest covered. Yall, that poor baby had sweat drops like crocodile tears. After that, I started questioning why I felt the comfort of others was more important than my baby's. 

And if you think for one minute that your (incorrect) opinions about the need for women to cover up while breastfeeding are your own, you're kidding yourself. This idea is the culmination of decades of propaganda, marketing and I personally believe, Satan's lies. Propaganda and marketing from formula companies to increase their profits (see more here). As a woman of faith, the proof that Satan is trying to destroy motherhood isn't in moms postponing starting their families, it's in the social pressure that our bodies are not our own. That they are here to be held, owned and objectified by men. Breastfeeding (and for many moms, birthing on their own terms) is a means to break that cycle. It provides a path to understanding the gift and power that our bodies have for all humankind and for ourselves. Get out of the way with your patriarchal ideas about woman's place. We have no need for them. 

And for all the concerned Mormons out there, I sure hope yall cut this image out of your Book of Mormon Stories (published by the Church). Don't want anyone to know what boobs are actually for now would we?

Ironically, the same week the controversy was blowing up with the woman who was asked not to nurse in her church building, LDS Charities was celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with the above post. Is what we do around the world good enough for us back at home? I think so. Breastfeeding needs more support around the world to meet necessary breastfeeding (public health) goals. But in many countries, openly breastfeeding is as normal for breathing for everyone involved (and not involved). At church, women around the world nurse while bearing testimony, while giving lessons and while listening to the missionaries. We are doing our children a disservice (in many ways) by not normalizing breastfeeding in our culture as well. 

Lest you think everyone has an issue with this...

I've nursed in many Mothers Rooms as well as Sacrament meetings, Sunday Schools and Relief Society meetings without issue. More than one mom has thanked me for nursing during church because it gave them the courage to do so as well. Makes any discomfort worth it for me.

Further reading

The first article I linked above has gotten loads of attention and here are some follow-up articles. 

• Addendum. Answers some of the FAQ about the original post. 
• An Open Letter to the Stake President Concerned About Breastfeeding. Loved this one. The tone is at times snarky, but many of the suggestions are great: 
• "Institute a special Sunday school class on godly manhood that includes material on reversing the harmful effects of the world’s philosophy that men cannot conquer their base desires. Emphasize our doctrine that we must transcend our carnal state through the power and mercy of Jesus Christ (Mosiah 3:19).
• Acknowledge that porn addicts and teenagers have little control over the public environment, and that they will encounter female bodies in many forms and contexts, and will therefore be tasked with regulating their internal condition.
• Encourage all able women to nurse their babies without pressure to cover or hide in an effort to further renormalize breastfeeding for the rising generation. This will teach them what normal breasts look like and what their primary purpose is (refer to church-published A Parent’s Guide, Chapter 5). As little boys see their mothers and their primary teachers and their friends’ mothers nursing, they will grow up with a healthy concept of female breasts, and will be less likely to google “What do boobs look like?” because they will already have learned this within the sacred and appropriate context of motherhood. Removing taboos around women’s bodies will combat lust and porn addiction."
• Audio interview with the mom. More about her story and what has happened with her church leaders since. My favorite part? The stake president said his wife had heard about the story and corrected him. When women stand up for other women, the world gets a bit better. 
• The Tale of My Saggy Middle-Aged Breasts. I loved this portion from the end, "I would love to see the community reach out and help, rather than judge and shame for the choices she may make in trying to meet her family’s needs. If a woman makes a choice different from yours, do you feel threatened? If you see a woman breastfeeding in public, why not champion her? Speak up for her if others are shaming? If the sight of a woman feeding her child with her breast disturbs you, why? And do you think the mother and baby should be uncomfortable instead of you?"

From A Parent's Guide, a pamphlet for LDS families, published by the LDS Church: "The scriptures often refer respectfully but plainly to the body and its parts. There is no embarrassment and often there is sacred symbolism. It is the world that makes the divinely created body an object of carnal lust. For example, it makes the female breasts primarily into sexual enticements, while the truth is that they were intended to nourish and comfort children. It promotes male sexual aggression in contrast to Christ’s example of tenderness, long-suffering, kindness, and steadfastness in the home."

Nursing a Sexually Wounded Culture explores how our culture of objectification affects our views on breastfeeding. Great read.

Breastfeeding and Following Jesus explores modern Christianity's obsession with modesty and how it affects breastfeeding. 

Some instances of breastfeeding in LDS art. My favorite is the THREE DIMENSIONAL mother breastfeeding with her entire boob out that is ENCASED IN BRONZE at Temple Square in Salt Lake City. Someone go put a cover on that lady! The painting that is mentioned first is also in the new Provo Temple in the chapel. I saw it while touring it during the open house. Just lovely!

This post on breastfeeding in LDS American culture has some better images and has some great discussion as well.

19 Works of Art That Show Breastfeeding Has Always Been Beautiful

25 Historical Images that Normalize Breastfeeding

How Breastfeeding in Public Will Save Society

The Politics of Breastfeeding opened my eyes to many of the sources of our modern issues with breastfeeding.

Unlatched is another great book about the modern history of breastfeeding.

Every time a baby goes to breast, the $70 billion formula industry loses a sale.

Victorian Era moms posing for portraits while breastfeeding.

Stunning portraits celebrate breastfeeding around the globe. 

If you're pro-life, would you be interested in saving 800,000 lives? Thought so. Increasing breastfeeding could save 800 000 children and US$ 300 billion every year. Our part to play in this is supporting breastfeeding moms. 

If you need a little help to feel comfortable breastfeeding in public, I wrote a how-to post about it for Lactation Link last year. 

This isn't my first soapbox on nursing in public, ha!

UPDATE: Great campaign happening: Let Babies Eat

And some final wisdom from my favorite internet dad...

Love for libraries

I wrote this in my journal recently and when I realized it was National Library Week this week, I wanted to share it.

I remember the old brick library in downtown Chipley.
I remember its musty book smell.

I remember the old KMS library. The top shelves covered in diaramas of Indian homes and solar systems. I remember the faded carpet we sat on. The stern librarian might have turned many kids away from books, but not me. I remember the large mural of book spines.
But mostly I remember the tall stacks on the far edges. I remember a story of a young girl in the Depression. She learned to make bread and sell it. She became the literal family breadwinner.

I remember the book fairs. So many shiny new books. Mostly I remember the 4th grade book fair with my stack of new books. Waiting in line. I waited until I should not have waited anymore. Afraid to lose my spot in line or my pretty stack of wonderful works and new places; I don't know. I waited til my body said "run!" Still I waited. My warm wet jeans told everyone that I waited too long! (I'll venmo you $5 if you have a more embarrassing story from 4th grade.)

Better memories came in fifth grade. I spent the night in the library with my nerdy peers. I slept in my sleeping bag, under a table next to my favorite stack.

Summers brought trips to the new county library. Its icy coolness welcomed us.

In middle school, my AR points quickly acheived...I wandered to the tall stacks again. These new stacks taught me new wonders and horrors. Here I first grasped an understanding of social justice as I read about Auschwitz. I read all the books in those tall stacks about the Holocaust and WWII. My friends read the Babysitters Club. I did too and then I read Anne Frank.

In high school, the library was for AV club and the computer lab.
But those earlier libraries had done what they needed to.
I was a voracious reader and spent my own money on books.
Mom let us loose in Books-a-Million and I read Pride and Prejudice. I read about heartbreak and loss. I read and read and read.

The Chipola library was for studying and avoiding old boyfriends.
The BYU library was for digital research but I still enjoyed its musty smell.

As a new mother, libraries came to aid again. I learned to breastfeed because of a library. The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding was my angel, rescuer, lactation consultant.
Later, at a loss for how to spend our days, we clapped and sang with a cheerful storyteller.
And I brought home stacks and stacks of colorful picture books. A deeper love for children's literature was re-born.

Again, I wandered to those tall stacks. This time I dipped my toes in environmental justice. In new parenting methods. In going back to local foods. Pregnant again, I pushed a stroller through the tall stacks. I found the books about natural birth. About midwifery. And in the woods, a new path opened up and I took it.

Library visits brought substance to our days. My two and then 3 small children cut their teeth on library board books. On Patricia Pollaco, on Cynthia Rylant.

Now in a new state, the library was our first outing. As home educators, it is our social scene, our playroom and it is our curriculum.

God bless libraries.

If you really care about life...

Here are some things (other than posting pro-life memes on social media) that you can do to help support new mothers. Let’s start off with the quick reminder that the number 1 reason women list as why they are choosing to abort a pregnancy is NOT “I don’t believe in the sanctity of life.” It’s actually about money. It’s about not having the resources or support to support a(nother) baby. If you want fewer abortions happening, we have to address the systemic issues that contribute to abortion. In my opinion, it comes down to supporting women and mothers. So please keep preaching about the importance of life. But UNLESS you are willing to do any or all of the following, just shut up and sit down:

• Offer to adopt the pregnant mother's baby (if willing to do this, you must agree to the following as well):
• Pay for all of the mother and baby's medical bills
• Drive her to all her prenatal appointments
• Pick up her prescriptions
• Help her obtain public assistance in the form of WIC and food stamps (or more if needed)
• Offer to cover the cost of her groceries and any other needs related to her pregnancy like a new maternity wardrobe.
• Help her get a restraining order from her abusive boyfriend
• Offer her a safe place to live
• Convince her employer to NOT discriminate against her because she is pregnant
• If that doesn't work, offer her a job
• Convince her employer to give her *at least* 6 weeks of paid leave after childbirth in order to heal from PUSHING A HUMAN BEING OUT OF HER BODY. IT HURTS LIKE HELL AND YOU BLEED OUT OF YOUR VAGINA FOR *WEEKS* BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN INTERNAL WOUND THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL. Plus she might want to get to know her baby and learn how to breastfeed.
• Pay for a doula of her choice to attend to her emotional needs during and after labor. 
• Get qualified lactation support for her if that is her choice.
• If you are in a position of power, ensure that your company has paid leave for new mothers and fathers. (Dads need to be home supporting mom and baby too!)

If you aren't willing to do any of those things, I've got another list for you, pick any:

• Shut up and sit down.
• Lobby for paid sick and family leave at your local city council.
• Call your state and Congressional representatives and tell them you demand paid family leave or you will find a candidate for the upcoming midterms that does support it.
• Call your state and Congressional representatives and tell them you demand maternal mortality quality review boards or you will find a candidate for the upcoming midterms that does support it.
• Call your Congressional representatives and tell them you demand universal healthcare or you will find a candidate for the upcoming midterms that does support it.

Feminists and others who actually care about women and babies, what have I left out?

Motherhood is all I can do

Disclaimer/reminder: My choices are not a judgment of your choices.

On a quick sailing trip last summer, I learned a lot about motherhood in a single moment. We launched the boat, all 3 kids and both adults in life jackets, into a small lake. Our boat is small but roomy enough (it has a small cabin) for our family. This was our third time out, first time at this lake. I was getting excited to learn more about sailing and help Nate with raising the sails and maybe even steering. We have a small motor to get us going if needed. We motored out a ways to raise the sails. We gave the boys some food to keep them occupied in the cabin and I set the baby down at my feet so she could toddle over to Nate who was steering while I started raising the sails. Everything quickly fell apart. The baby was screaming to nurse because she was scared in these new surroundings, the boys were fighting and climbing out of the cabin. The wind was blowing the sail all over the place, the boom fell and almost hit Riah and Nate in the face. Nate and I are both screaming at the boys. I'm yelling, "I can figure this out!" It was all very stressful. I wanted to show Nate that I did care about this, that I wanted to learn.

Well, I did not figure it out. We pulled the sails down and all took a breather.

I suddenly felt like a mother trying to go back to work after having a baby. You want to prove to yourself (and perhaps the world) that you can handle this. What's different about my little experience and mothers going back to work postpartum is that going back to work is a necessity. When really, it shouldn't be. You should be allowed to "just" be a mom. To "just" hold that baby a little longer. To "just" engage with your older children and reduce conflict. Being fully present as a mom takes all you have. Your whole heart, your whole mind and certainly both your arms. It seems absurd to make a mother go to work when she is clearly so needed by her children. As absurd as I was trying to raise a sail while everyone was screaming and the wind was blowing. At least while they are little, our children do not want or need anything but their loving parents. We are their world, their guiding North Star. And so we should make them ours. We can "have it all" when we realize they are the "all" that we need.

For this particular season of my life, I have chosen to end my career and educational pursuits to focus on my family. Being fully present and preparing to be the primary educator for them are big goals. I feel such peace in simplifying my goals to focus on them.

We did not sail that day. We set down our anchor and swam in the beautiful deep water. Just holding my baby and fully engaging with her in the simplest ways was the peace we needed.

Many women feel true fulfillment when working out of the home. I also find fulfillment in paid work that I am passionate about. Rising inflation, rising home prices, and our modern lifestyles require most households have two working partners. And too many women are forced to work low paying and unfulfilling jobs when they would rather be with their children. As I stated before, it is no secret that our children need us. It is time we acknowledge that from a policy standpoint. Having the choice to stay home with your children shouldn't only be an option for the rich and privileged.

So how can we help mothers who want to stay home with their young children? Here are some ideas that have been discussed and some that are used in other countries:

-Paid (even partially paid) family leave for a year or more after the birth of a child or adoption (more info)
-Universal basic income. More info on this from the BBC podcast, People Fixing the World
-Mothers at home receive pay for childcare the same as government subsidized childcare.
-Onsite daycare. Patagonia has been a champ at this for 30 years. (It makes sense financially too.)
-Increase the minimum wage and wages across the board (wages have been stagnant in the US for decades)  so couples feel less economic pressure to have both partners work away from home.
-Reduce housing costs for the same reasons as above
-Make college more affordable and eliminate predatory student loans.
-Normalize career breaks
-Improve job training and career entry support after a break in job history so mothers feel they will be able to successfully re-enter the workforce after a time at home.

I don't think any one of these is a silver bullet. And much of what is listed requires a cultural change. But if any generation can do it, our's can. I think a multi-faceted approach will have the best results. But any one of them would be a good start for the U.S.

"Mothers belong at home" is something I would never tell anyone because it reeks of sexism. But saying women belong with their children is something different. I've written about this some before in my post, "How to Really Help Families." Erica Komisar, a social worker and pyschoanalyst has been outspoken about this. I'm excited to read her book, "Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the Frist Three Years Matters."

I think this is actually an issue that conservatives and liberals can come together on. We all want to do what is best for our children. And giving women an actual choice on being home with her children is something liberals might agree with. I do worry about the way we sometimes are martyrs for motherhood. Because we want to be with them as much as possible, we forget our own needs. Since adding our third child to our family, I've realized just how mentally difficult it is to be a mother. I've had to take more breaks for alone time and self-care. Evolutionarily speaking, it is 100% normal and natural to keep your children close to home. But the way we live--away from extended family, in disjointed neighborhoods and one parent working miles and miles away from home every day--is 100% unnatural and not at all normal, evolutionarily speaking. We don't live in close-knit villages anymore. As much I want to run away to a commune and live off the land, we can't. We have to find ways to re-create the village for all families so each child is given what they deserve: a strong attachment.

What are your thoughts on this? I know this can be a tender subject for many. I genuinely want to know what you think. I strongly believe that each mother knows what is best for her family and will fight like mad to do that thing. Like I said at the beginning of this post, my choices are not a judgment of your choices. As a feminist, I believe that women should be the primary decision-makers of their lives. And as a maternal feminist, I believe mothers should be supported in real tangible ways to stay home with their children (if that is their choice), especially in the first year postpartum. My point is, right now, too many women do not have a choice. Can't wait to hear your thoughts...

Edited 3/12/18 to share some more thoughts. I really appreciated this article from the Washington Post: We need to change the conversation about moms and work to consider other perspectives. I loved this, "My decision honored generations of women who went before me. The fact is, the role of stay-at-home moms is often undervalued, not because it isn’t valuable work but because it is not a role traditionally held by men. The idea that women have been freed from the chains of full-time motherhood to pursue more meaningful work is sexism disguised as enlightenment, and it’s an insult to generations of women who dedicated their lives to full-time mothering and homemaking. I never want my children to see SAHMs as less interesting, intelligent or hard-working than other moms. Rather, I want my sons and my daughters to realize that stay-at-home parenting is as valuable and worthwhile as any paying career to which they could aspire."

Prioritizing the postpartum period and the early years of our children is linked to our we view breastfeeding as well. If we truly believe breastfeeding is what all children need and deserve, wouldn't we do more than toss a breast pump in the mother's general direction? This article from Slate by Zuzan Boehmova does a great job of explaining why our current system of providing breast pumps is not enough. She offers some suggestions as well.