Calder's Birth Story

Calder Broderick Parr

Born at home on April 30, 2019 at 10:32 PM

9 pounds 23.5 inches

Calder means rough waters or stream. We chose this name because want him to feel connected to this water-rich place we love so much. Broderick is Nate's maternal grandmother's maiden name. All of our kids have a family middle name, in hopes that it will connect them to their familial roots.

Summary
Calder was my second planned home birth and it was super fast! Everything went well and we are so glad he is here!

Pregnancy
I wrote a bit already about preparing for this birth already, so I won't say as much about my pregnancy. The first trimester, as usual for me, was a blur of nausea and exhaustion. I would come downstairs in the morning, throw some food at the kids and lay down again in the living room. Our sweet kiddos, especially Riah, would come and tuck a blanket around me and give me a kiss. :) Lots of things got forgotten as dishes, chores and laundry piled up. Thankfully, it did not last forever and the glorious 2nd trimester began. I was productive and excited. I started a new project to connect new moms and made all kinds of career plans. ;) We found our rhythm in homeschool and in general around the house. I was feeling ready to bring a new baby to our family. As the third trimester came, my aches and pains accumulated and I got serious about remedying those, determined to enjoy this final pregnancy and birth. I wrote more about that here.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, of course, I wanted him here but I was also really enjoying being pregnant. Knowing it was probably my last chance, I was trying to enjoy feeling his movements, appreciate the way my body could hold him and support me as well. Being a part of creation is a beautiful, sacred blessing and I'm grateful I could find moments of joy at the end of pregnancy. Since the beginning, rather than tell everyone my due date (April 23) and gets lots of calls and texts saying, "is the baby here, is the baby here??" around that date, I was intentionally vague and said I was due "sometime in early May." Because I said it so often, this ended up helping me a lot mentally--I was convinced of it myself!

Thoughts on midwifery care
My love for midwives is not something I'm quiet about so this will come as no surprise but I love being cared for by a midwife! I feel lucky to have landed in another place with access to great midwifery care. I met Tavniah Betts, CPM soon after moving here and we had some great conversations about helping low-income and women of color better access to midwifery care. I knew her and her background already so it was easy to choose her for my prenatal care when I got pregnant.

Our appointments are close to an hour each time because we chat about the pregnancy, preparing for birth, my family and everything in between. I never feel hurried and I always feel cared for. Tavniah has a home office so we did most of our visits there. I was hoping for all home visits because I liked those so much last time. But I was able to leave the kids with Nate for most of my appointments so it was really nice to have time to think and talk to Tavniah (without interruptions) about this baby. In addition, it's fantastic to be able to text or call her anytime with concerns or questions. When I got a stomach virus late in the 3rd trimester, she came late at night to help me and listen to the baby. Everyone should have access to this kind of care. In Canada and other countries, women with low-risk pregnancies are almost always cared for by midwives and are able to choose between hospital or home birth. Coordinated care is the gold standard and women in the U.S. deserve it.

Birth prep
In the final weeks of pregnancy, I purchased all my birth supplies, threw together a few more frozen meals and waited patiently for baby. I finished up the birth space. Around 38 weeks I began feeling practice contractions more and more often. This excited me knowing that my body was getting ready. A few days after my due date, I thought I was really in labor. My contractions started in the afternoon and were getting stronger and stronger throughout the night. I woke a few times to work through them. I alerted the birth team around 4am that today might be the day. I was really awake at this point. I got up, watched some birth videos hoping they would increase my oxytocin levels (ha) but all the surges fizzled out!

I wasn't as patient with pregnancy after that disappointment. The 42 week deadline for a planned home birth seemed closer and closer.

Nate's paternity leave started and we kept busy with projects around the house and yard. The weather warmed a bit and we visited the break wall in Two Harbors and made plans to swim there in the summer.

The birth
On Tuesday April 30, the day started normally. I was exactly 41 weeks pregnant and Tavniah came over to do a membrane sweep. I had a horrible experience with that when I was pregnant with Bridger and have since discouraged moms from doing them. But it turns out the evidence for it is pretty good if you are considered past your due date. She was much more gentle than the hospital midwife that did one for me several years ago. I was 2 cm dilated, 50% effaced, very soft and baby was very low and in a great position. She listened to baby again and left. We went about our day. We cleaned out the basement as a family. I sent everyone a photo of me balancing my lunch on my belly. Around lunch what was feeling like crampiness started to feel like real surges. They increased gradually throughout the afternoon. By dinnertime, I was stopping to breathe through them. I figured they would fizzle out when I laid down so I tried not to make a big deal out of it. I didn't want to be disappointed again! We got the kids ready for bed and I read On the Banks of Plum Creek to the boys. I stopped a few times to breathe through a surge. Bridger and Colden would jump out of bed and rub my back without being asked. They were great little dude-las!

Didn't think I was in labor, ha.

All the kids were asleep by 9. I went into our room to find Nate and Riah asleep in our bed. I nudged Nate a few times to move Riah. I was really working through surges now. I was getting on the floor and going into laborland each time. I had bled through a couple pantiliners and that concerned me. I called Tavniah and sent her a picture of the blood. I had to pause while talking with her but I still thought that maybe I wasn't in labor, haha! I told her not to come yet. Riah's birth was so long, I didn't want to make everyone wait around forever. But after a surge or two,  I couldn't even think about going to bed now. Nate got up and moved Riah and I told him this was probably it. I was shivering and cold. I changed out of tight yoga pants and put on pajama pants and a nightie and a sweater. Nate put the electric blanket on me and called Tavniah again. The blood and the shivering meant I was dilating fast. She moved quick and got here by 10pm. I was back and forth between the bedroom and the bathroom as my body was cleaning itself out. Yay. I knew Nate was struggling with the grossness of that and the rapidity of the labor but he was the only one there for a time and I needed him. He was a champ and stayed close by. He knew just what to do, massaging my lower back and encouraging me. "You're doing great. You've done this before. You've got this."

When Tavniah arrived, she laughed as she saw us trying to quickly put the plastic on the bed. I kept having to stop for surges and was somehow in the tiniest corner of the room each time. Finally, Nate suggested I move so they could help me with the next one. I went to the bathroom again and Tavniah followed. She helped me through a few. They were coming really fast now. I couldn't tell the difference between them anymore. I wasn't sure when one ended and another one started. Sitting on the toilet, clenching her arm, I told her, "there's pressure down there!" She smiled and said, "there's a baby down there too!" Then another surge came. After that Tavniah suggested I get off the toilet so she could help me better since baby was coming! I had already taken off my sweater and kicked my pants off. After another surge, I took off my nightie too and got on my hands and knees. They quickly laid towels out.

We had been calling our doula around 9:30 and got no answer. I had forgotten that she was sick and I should call her backup. Well she got our messages and the backup, Cooper, came about 15 minutes after Tavniah did. I had already met Cooper and I was happy to see her when she found us in the bathroom.

The surges were so intense and so fast. I was really struggling not to fight against them. I kept gasping that they were coming too fast but Tavniah assured me fast was okay. I tried to relax my shoulders and groan deeply. Nate kept asking if I wanted to move to the bedroom, "just move real quick, won't take long." Absolutely not. I was NOT moving. It was hard enough to get off the toilet and onto the floor. When he realized I wasn't going anywhere, he ran downstairs and came back, with lightning speed, with cushions for my knees. Cooper put a cool wet cloth against the tub ledge where I was resting my forehead. I was burping a bunch and Nate pushed aside the shower curtain in case I barfed. Thankfully, I did not. I had had enough of that when I had the stomach bug a couple weeks prior.

Anyway, I started getting pushy and tried to let my body do what it needed to. But it's hard when it's so fast! I couldn't wrap my head around it. I didn't want to push because I didn't want to push for like an hour like last time. But one thing I feel really good about was that I was more focused on the baby this time. When I was pushing Riah out, my midwife tried to get me to touch her head but I couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine a baby coming out! But this time, I was singing to the baby and thinking about him coming down. Reminding myself all this work was for a BABY! My pushes started getting really intense and I was worried at times I would wake the other kids with my roaring but they slept through the whole thing! Pushing is such hard work. I had to really concentrate and let my body do the work and push other thoughts out. I was very prepared to labor...not so much to push! I think I told Nate three times, "I CAN do this. But I'm NOT doing it again! Nate, I'm really not doing this again!" Meaning, I didn't want to give birth again. "Okay, okay that's fine with me!" :)

He was coming down so fast that I could literally feel my pelvic bones opening up. I didn't feel the ring of fire around my perineum, I really felt the pressure internally. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that Tavniah was supporting my bottom with a warm wet cloth the whole time. I gave a mighty push and reached down to feel what felt like his entire head all the way out! (It wasn't, but close.) "Another big push and I'm going to hand him to you between your legs." And that's what happened! I gave one more mighty push and he was here in my arms! So slippery, grayish blue and pink all at the same time. After just a moment he was crying and making himself known! He even tried to latch for a second or two. I leaned back on my heels and delivered the placenta. That came quickly too! Everyone helped me clean up a bit and then went to the bedroom to lay down with our little guy! I pushed for 12 minutes. He was in the perfect position, so I feel really good about all the preparation I did to accomplish that!

It turns out that births that happen quickly usually end up being pretty uncomplicated and I felt lucky that was the case. I had had another successful homebirth before but there is always the fear that we will need to go to the hospital. Glad we got to stay home and enjoy that peace.

During my last labor, I really wanted to give birth on my hands and knees but had to lay on my side instead, because of Riah's position. So it was super nice to do what came naturally this time. My shoulders were hurting a bit the next couple days though! Worth it.

While I rested, Tavniah did all the baby measurements and Nate cut the cord. We all guessed his weight and length to be around 7 or 8 pounds and 21 inches and we were all wrong! He was 9 pounds and 23.5 inches. He was definitely our longest baby (should have guessed that with all the crazy/ouchy kicks he had been giving me in utero!) but Riah beat him by 5 ounces in weight. Sometime after midnight Cooper left after helping me shower and get back in bed. Tavniah left with her giant suitcase of supplies awhile later with plans to come back for a 24 hour visit the following day. I didn't sleep much because of all of the adrenaline but I was sure happy to be finished with pregnancy and to have little Calder breathing steadily next to me.

It's funny even when you are a birth nerd like me and know that birth never goes to plan, we still make all kinds of plans. I guess it gives us something to pass the time while we wait for baby. I had so many plans and lists! All these things to do during early labor.  I had planned to be in our bedroom for sure! I made this whole wall of art and affirmations to help me. But since I had put it up so early on in my pregnancy, I looked at it often and those images and words became a part of me. I didn't need to see them in labor, there were already written on my heart. And while I didn't have any of my family there in-person this time, all of my siblings and my parents were still surrounding me!

While I was pregnant, I tried to visualize how I wanted this birth to go. I envisioned a nighttime birth with the kids all asleep. I envisioned him coming slowly and me breathing him down. So I got half of that wish...not too shabby!

Best laid plans and all that...

He was named Anders for the first day but that didn't fit. So we tried Calder on and that did! The kids woke up the following morning and sleepily and very happily met the new baby. They were so sweet and so excited.

Postpartum
So many friends and family have already helped us and we are so grateful. Funny story: our friend Laura came over to help with the kids in case they woke up during labor. The kids didn't wake (best case scenario!) so she was super sweet and cleaned up our kitchen and dining room. We found out later that she had swept that whole area with the tiny kid broom because she couldn't find the normal broom. That was real dedication! I laughed so hard thinking of her leaned over that tiny broom! (the normal broom was in the basement from our clean up earlier in the day). So blessed to have good friends here. My friend Kari also had all the kids over the following day and brought us dinner. So many others have brought over groceries, made us dinner and more. My sister Mandi came for a weekend and did so much for us! We were sad to see her go. Because we've had so much help, I was able to stay in bed and rest for longer. My recovery has been amazing.

The following week, the boys stayed with Grandma for 5 days. It was super nice to have a quieter house and concentrate on the baby as well as Riah. She had a great time with more attention from us. We have really felt so supported and we are so grateful!

What a change it is to bring a new child into the world. I am so grateful we were able to bring him to our family. What a gift!

I wish we could have taken more photos, but I was naked the entire time so it's unlikely I would have shared them anyway, ha! But it sure makes me appreciate my dear friend Cate and the gorgeous photos she took at Riah's birth.

Riah's birth story.
Colden's birth story.
Bridger's birth story.