The key to parenting without complete burnout

Yesterday, Jessica Martin-Weber of the Leaky Boob and Beyond Moi shared a post on co-parenting that really hit home for me. I realized she was describing almost exactly my own experience. She really drives home what the key to parenting (and libido!) is for parents of young kids. She included a photo of her daughter sleeping next to her husband. I share my own photo, but these are her words:

This was my view when I woke up this morning. I opened my eyes and saw this scene and my heart swelled with love and gratitude. Gosh, I love this man deeply, passionately, and with so much gratitude.

Then, because I'm over half way through pregnancy, I had to pee. When I came back from the bathroom, I snapped this pic and slipped back under the sheets and scootched in close to them breathing in the love and safety of such a moment.

Confession: though the moment itself isn't sexy, seeing him like this is. Him gently and lovingly caring for our children is incredibly attractive. He has been like this with her for hours. For a moment I consider how I wish we could be alone together but I know he needs sleep (it was a late night) and I love this moment too much to wake him and draw him away for myself. But I promise myself to make sure we find time and space for that later. Frankly, over 20 years and 6 kids, a good part of why we have such an active sex life still is because of this. Him being so actively involved is not only attractive (and it is darn hot), it means I have the energy and interest because I'm not burned out/touched out/resentful.

As I write this, these two are still asleep cuddled up together. The house is quiet and I have a moment to enjoy having my own thoughts. How I love these two, this man and our child in his arms and our 5 other children. How much their love for each other means to me. How this man I've been with for over twenty years loves and cares for our children makes me fall ever deeper in love with him.

(It is worth noting, our other 5 offspring are asleep in their own beds because even if you cosleep as we have done with our babies and toddlers and preschoolers- they do eventually move on to their own sleep space. Contrary to what some say, they do learn to sleep on their own.)

She had a late night. Fireworks being set off around us until several hours past her bedtime, a busy day of swimming and playing and roasting marshmallows and eating BBQ chicken, excitement at holding showers of sparks in her hand (you could see her adrenaline rush), and distress over the hot red welts she develops when mosquitoes discover how sweet she really is, all led to an overtired and over-stimulated little girl at the end of the day. When she finally got to bed, sleep came easily.

But it didn't last. She woke scared, needing to pee, and seeking comforting cuddles in mommy and daddy's bed. We welcome this, our children deserve our attention and comfort during distress in the middle of the night just as much as in the middle of the day. Parenting never promised convenient hours. He must have heard her come in before I did because I woke up to him tenderly calling her to him and asking her to let me sleep as he tended her need for comfort. He does this often, even when I'm not growing a baby, more so when I am and my need for rest is doubled. We both do this, though we don't keep track, we take turns being the parent responding to our children's night time needs. In that moment he looked out for her and for me.

How I love him.

His capacity for love and how he demonstrates that for our children and for me wins my heart anew every time.

This was not the picture of fatherhood I once had. In fact, I didn't know men were even capable of such nurturing. These acts of responsive care were what I thought only mothers did, little did I know that not only are other parents just as capable, they can excel in it and there is much joy in such a partnership. Little did I know that seeing my partner be so engaged in actively parenting our children would have such an impact on me. Our coparenting has shifted and adjusted over the years, through different circumstances and our varied realities. But he has always been an active, equal coparent, whatever that looks like in a given moment, and has always been more involved than financial provider even when that was his primary role. He's always been more present than a paycheck.

Parenting is hard and beautiful and overwhelming all at once in even the best times. It is draining and exhausting and pushing our limits while being full of joy and connection and love.

Yet I'm often surprised at how often the hard parts of parenting aren't what stand out to me. That I'm not more tired. That I have as much interest and time and energy for my partner and yes, even for sex, that I do. But I know at least part of the reason why:

This right here.

Much of the reason that parenting hasn't left me burned out and overwhelmed and isolated is because of my partner. His equal involvement as an active co-parent has allowed me to be in a healthier place and, I know for a fact, has allowed our family to be in a healthier place. I am aware of how privileged I am in this. I am in awe of those parents that navigate parenting alone. As well as those who navigate parenting with a partner yet feel alone in parenting.

He would tell you it isn't extraordinary, that he doesn't deserve praise, and he's right about that. At the same time I know that this isn't something either of us saw, it isn't what society told us to expect and he is going off script and ad libbing this fatherhood gig.

And he's totally nailing it.

When people ask me how I handle so many kids, this is how. I saw my mom struggle with burn out constantly, partnered yet most often alone in the responsibility of caring for and nurturing my brother and sister and I. That burn out was real. I know I would be just as burned out if I didn't have an equal coparent. Equal in housework, home responsibilities, the invisible burdens of thinking through as planning for our home and family, in night time parenting, in infant and toddler care, in school work and life skills education, in supporting our teens... you name it.

I share this because moments of beauty are inspiring and I found this beautiful. I share this too to help normalize fathers as active, involved coparents. I share this to help destroy the stigma of daddies cuddling their children in bed in the middle of the night. To say to the parents doing it alone that they are amazing and have my respect and I'm cheering them on. To acknowledge that night time parenting is a thing. To express my gratitude that my partner values protecting my sleep and taking turns responding to the needs of our children. And yeah, to let some in on one of the libido secrets we've found.

I love this view. I love waking up to moments like this.
You can read her full post here.

Parenting is 24/7. Yes, they need our love all day and sometimes, many times, all night. And when you are lucky enough to have a partner that shoulders all of the burdens (and joys!) of parenting with you, you have the energy and capacity to have a full life. It's real life so it's not perfect but we love it so much. We have room for improvements of course but I just think that doing this so much together has made all the difference. I've always known marriage to be important but living it the past 6.5 years has repeatedly shown me that we have to be a team to create an enjoyable and rewarding family life. I know that I am lucky to have this partnership. For any mama that doesn't have this yet, I see you. And I know our Heavenly Parents see you too. Your rest is coming.


Where her's and my story is different is having a model for shared co-parenting and involved fatherhood. My parents were such a great example to us of sharing the load of family, parenting, outside work and housework. Both of my parents worked for most of my life. My dad made breakfast every.single.morning during the school year. He did dishes, he did laundry. I could go to him for questions, just like I could with mom. Perhaps they will argue with me, but from my point of view, everything seemed pretty egalitarian. Of course, this is real life so I'm sure it was never 50/50 all the time. That's impossible. But what they modeled in our home was what I came to expect. I expect Nate and me to shoulder the responsibilities of home and parenting TOGETHER because of what my parents modeled. So thanks, mom and dad. Every day I learn more about you and from you and I can't express my gratitude enough.

How to really help families

I have become very passionate about this lately and am very excited to share my thoughts and research with you! There has been lots of buzz lately about how to support families and how to support children especially. Many look to schools and public programs that help families in myriads of ways. But I am of the opinion that to truly support new families and children, we must start in the home. Of course we know conscientious parenting and stable home environments have better outcomes. But I think we need to back up just a tad. First of all, parents need to be IN the home to make a difference. And that brings me to family leave. And not the crappy unpaid leave most Americans deal with. I'm talking about solid, paid family leave.

Now I'm not a policy expert. I have no idea how long paid family leave should be. I just know American families deserve better. New mothers deserve better. Newborns deserve better. Fathers deserve better. Sick children deserve better.

Thanks (insert sarcasm) to the Family and Medical Leave Act, American workers get 12 weeks of unpaid leave to use after the birth of a child or to help a sick family member. Do you know anyone in their childbearing years that could afford to not receive an income for 1 month, let alone 3?

I've come to think about this topic more and more because of my experience with new moms at WIC. It's devastating to these new moms to have to return to work 1 or 2 weeks after birth because they have no other alternative. So I help her learn how to use a breast pump and send her out into the world. I feel terrible after these appointments because I know she is being cheated. Cheated out of a beautiful bonding experience with her newborn. Cheated out of a healthy recovery.

Our society is well-versed on the superiority of breastmilk. We know it's the best start for babies. But how do we support women in their breastfeeding relationship? We could help mom stay home with her new baby, help her learn how to breastfeed, let her recover without interruptions, ease her into this new and frightening phase of life. But what do we actually do? We give her a free breast pump. We tell her to get back to work (and don't ask for any help from the government!) We tell her to leave her precious new baby with someone else. We tell her to hook herself up to a machine. We tell her to sit still so she doesn't bleed on the office chairs.

Does that sound like supporting families to you? Does that sound like supporting children to you?

Recently, Netflix grabbed headlines because it announced its unlimited paid family leave policy. I'm happy that it got some attention and got some people talking. But it doesn't apply to all of their workers. The DVD side of the company does not get this benefit and neither do its part-time workers, so yet again, the poor are at a disadvantage. Yet again, a poor new mother is forced to go back work too early while her newborn is taken care of by someone else. Yet again, a poor new mother cannot get the hang of breastfeeding.

Some people like to complain that countries like Canada who have very generous paid leave laws (~1 year of paid leave) are too generous. But what you probably didn't know is that extensions of up to 50 weeks in paid leave is correlated with a 20% drop in infant deaths. Want to keep children alive? Give their parents paid leave:

"Research shows that paid leave can also be a matter of life and death for children. By charting the correlation between death rates and paid leave in 16 European countries, Christopher Ruhm, a professor of public policy and economics at the University of Virginia, found that a 50-week extension in paid leave was associated with a 20 percent dip in infant deaths. (The biggest drop was in deaths of babies between 1 month and 1 year old, though mortality of children between 1 and 5 years also decreased as paid leave went up.)" (source)

How did we become a society where what happens at the office completely trumps what is happening with your family? It disgusts me. How many grandpas and grandmas have told you if they could go back, they would choose work over family? And yet, business leaders across America continue to enforce the idea that work is life. When everyone truly knows in their hearts that family and relationships and hobbies and living is life. Anne Weisberg writes in the NYTimes, "we need to reimagine leadership so that the ideal workers are not the ones who stay at work the latest, but the ones who get all their work done and leave at a reasonable hour; they are not the ones who get on a plane on a moment’s notice, even with a nanny in tow, but the ones who figure out how to conduct the meeting without having to travel."

Most parents simply do not have the economic situation to stay home with their new babies like they envision. By putting solid paid family leave policies into place and changing the workplace culture to encourage parents to take the full leave, we will be truly supporting children and families.

What has been your experience with family leave after having a baby? How can we do better? How would your life be improved if we had a more generous paid family leave policy?

More reading:
Big Leaps for Parental Leave, if Workers Actually Take It.
How do you make sure generous paid leave doesn't backfire on women? Focus on men.
This is what it looks like when men are allowed paid leave.
Why some moms go back to work 2 weeks after giving birth.
Why is this going nowhere?

Looking past the baby registry

This topic has been on my mind so much lately! Let's see if I can get my thoughts out coherently...

As a society, we are so focused on products. What to buy next. What to buy that will make our lives more convenient. What to buy to make our neighbors jealous. What to buy to make our lives easier. And companies LOVE this. American consumerism is building markets. Just look at Target. They make millions just from their baby registry. And that is just what I want to write about in this post...

The baby shower is a beautiful American tradition. Perhaps it could be described as a rite of passage. Family and friends surround a new mother, celebrating the gift of life and giving gifts to show her their love and support. I love baby showers. I love partaking in the excitement and anticipation of welcoming a new life to earth. We eat good food, play silly games and give advice to the new mother. She opens gifts and we ooh and ahh over the softest blanket and the tiniest shoes. At the showers I was given, I felt so loved and lifted up! I have such kind and loving family who have given me such thoughtful gifts at showers!

Companies like Target love baby showers too. They love them so much that they even give you a gift when you make a baby registry with them. They want you to make a registry so well-meaning family and friends will buy their products. We let companies like Target tell us what we need to buy (I'm looking at you, $500 stroller) when having a baby rather than relying on our own intuition and common sense. The media and baby registries lead us to believe that we have to have a pristine and perfectly organized and stocked nursery before the baby arrives. I am here to tell you otherwise!

Do you have boobs?
Good. Your baby will be able to survive and thrive for at least 6 months on breastmilk alone. 

Do you have diapers?
Grab a few packs of newborns before the baby arrives and when you run out, your husband can go to the store for more. Gasp.

Do you have a baby carrier?
Not yet? I'm working on a review of my favorites but in the meantime, look for a local babywearing group to try on a few before you buy. (Edit: Here are all my posts about babywearing.)

Those are all the things you need for a baby my friends! (Along with baby clothes because who does not like tiny baby clothes?!) What you really need for a baby is a little harder to put on a baby registry but is a billion times more important.

Parents want to prepare for their new baby and often we look to the baby registry first. I'm here to help you look past the fancy swing, the shiny bouncer and special infant tub. There is more to preparing for a new baby than a list of products. Parents have raised successful children for millennia without any gadgets at all! What they had instead was a village of support...

While we don't live in villages anymore or often close to our families, there is a growing group of professionals who fill this gap with love and passion for what they do.

What would really help new families is SUPPORT and EDUCATION. These are investments in the birth of your child. A moment that only happens once but will affect your family, and often, the mental health of the mother, for years. Childbirth education, doula support, lactation support and postpartum support are not luxuries but important services that empower families. Your birth experience matters. Your postpartum experience matters.

Remember that all of these services are given by professionals. Paying well ensures that you are hiring an experienced and educated professional. As with so many other things in life, you get what you pay for. 

Childbirth education
A quality childbirth education class series (usually NOT at a hospital, in my personal experience) is a wonderful investment in your birth! You'll learn what to expect in the days and weeks leading up to your birth, how to handle labor pain, how to release fears related to birth, learn what options you have during birth and how to make those decisions before labor begins, and to create confidence in yourself and your ability to birth! If you think, "I'm going to have an epidural, I don't need this", think again! Prices range from $200-500.

Doula Support
A doula will reinforce what you have learned during your childbirth classes. She will support you in your birth choices. She will make you feel comfortable and ensure that your partner feels involved.  Your midwife, OB and nurses have several patients to juggle at the same time you are birthing. You and only you are your doula's focus for the entirety of your birth. Priceless support! Again, if you think, "I'm going to have an epidural, I don't need a doula", think again! $400-$1500.

Lactation Education & Support
While many moms begin breastfeeding without any problems, many have trouble at the start. Quality lactation support can save you thousands of dollars in formula (and weeks of pain!). A private in-home lactation consultant visit is around $150. Visits with a lactation consultant in a clinic are about $50. Better yet, take a class and be prepared BEFORE baby comes. Lactation Link has online classes that can be viewed from anywhere.

Postpartum Support
A postpartum doula supports the new family in many ways: preparing meals, caring for older children, helping mom find resources for postpartum mood disorders, cleaning the house, doing errands or laundry...whatever you need. This can be a marvelous gift if the new family lives far from their families. Prices are usually by hour, $20+/hour. Other ideas for postpartum are listed in these important articles: How to Love a New Mother , After the Birth, What a Family Needs and Take Back Postpartum.

*****
All of these kinds of support are things we have replaced with gadgets and the make-it-on-our-own attitudes. New mama! I am talking to you! You do not have to do this on your own. You deserve help. Make whatever changes you need in your lifestyle now to prepare to have these support measures in place when you bring your new baby to earth. I have been blessed to have support through countless meals, grocery trips, gas in the car, the house cleaned and toddler taken care of after I gave birth. I want other moms to know that they can also have this kind of support and more! And let's work to make baby showers a chance for families to help mom pay for these services as well as a time to shower the baby with adorable clothes and a time to educate mom on being a new mom. That is what I loved about mine....

baby hiking boots!

My big sister Mandi lent me her baby and sling to teach me how to babywear. 

My big sisters teaching me how to swaddle!

Also read: Why Your Birth is More Important Than Your Bugaboo.
When you're pregnant, there are more useful things to do than flipping through a catalogue.

 Up next: I'm Poor! How do I pay for a doula?

Zions

Some photos from Zion National Park when my sister Kenzey and I (and Colden!) visited a few weeks ago. (more on the family blog). We camped at Zion River Resort. The nicest campground I've ever seen!

We were pretty pressed for time, so really we only did two hikes in the two days we were there. On the first day, after strapping Colden into the Ergo, we went for a ways down the Narrows with about a bajillion other people. Pretty amazing stuff! On this adventure, I converted Kenzey to the Gospel of Hiking Poles. They saved us so much grief! The cliffs all around were breathtaking. It was getting dark so we headed back after a mile or so. We didn't get a ton of great photos because I was afraid to take out the big camera.

Kenzey started out slower than a grandma but quickly found her stride and was an excellent hiking companion!

Colden slept practically the whole time he was in the Ergo. Such a good baby! We stopped occasionally for "adventure nursing." ;) I don't really feel like he slowed us down much at all besides when he needed to eat. So many people we passed commented on the fact that I was carrying him on a hike. Well people, it wasn't my first rodeo. We ran into another mom babywearing with the same Ergo as me and we had a great bonding moment :)

The next day we hiked to the Upper Emerald Pools, passing by the Lower and Middle on the way up. This was a gorgeous hike!

Middle Emerald Pool

Upper Emerald Pools

Middle Emerald Pool

Lower Emerald Pool

Lower Emerald Pool

The 3 Patriarchs

We drove through the tunnel and then headed home after a fun two days! This was great introductory trip to Zions. There is definitely lots more to see and do. One day when the kids are older, we will do some more backcountry, technical hikes!

On having two

I didn't know quite what to expect when having a second baby. I've heard some women say they were scared to have another because that would mean loving their first less. This is a thought I have always dismissed and I'm glad I did. Because, at least for me, it's been the opposite!

I love Colden to the moon and back. He is a perfect little baby. I'm so glad he is in our family. But this post is about Bridger. The first time I saw him after Colden was born, he looked like a kindergartener. He seemed to have grown years within the few hours I hadn't seen him. I think this happens to a lot of parents: compared to their new tiny baby, their older children suddenly seem like teenagers. It really is nuts how BIG and grown up Bridger seems now. Things I haven't given much thought are so fun to see now. His hair is so long. After playing outside, it's sweaty and sticks up everywhere. The toddler chub on his legs and feet is so endearing. His hands are squishy and usually dirty. He cocks his head to the side when he talks to us.

But most of all, I love his interactions with his little brother. Bridger comes over and looks at Colden and scrunches his nose, like "isn't he cute mom?" He says, "awwww." He touches each of his features. He pats his head. He plays with his hands. He gives him kisses. He wants to pick him up and hold him. He has to be reminded to be soft very often.

I am so glad we had another baby. These two will such good friends. I can't wait to see what the future brings. But I'm truly enjoying the sweet times now. There are plenty of challenging times with a toddler and newborn, but the love in my heart has grown!

As fresh as it gets

While I am going through all of my holiday photos, I thought I would share one real quick...

What do you do at the Aukema house when you run out of milk on Christmas morning? 

Go straight to the source of course!

Yes, I drank it. 

Yes, it was delicious.

My brother

We walked over to the MTC today and dropped off my little brother. I am so proud of him! He is going to be an excellent missionary!

P.S. Little Bridger is snuggled in my awesome yard sale find: a Moby Wrap for $10!

Quack

I mentioned that Quack made many more appearances while I was home. Evidence follows.

 Obviously a perfect slide raft.

 Eden: Hey! Let me in!

 I love Randi's face in these!

 And the mamas did not want to miss out on the fun either! Although I do not have photographic proof to share, I slid down as well :)

 This photo is such a treasure!

 Being around my nieces and nephews made me so excited to be a mama soon!

Quack is also a suitable transport vessel for the Avengers.

 Rhett: When I take off my shirt, I look just like the Hulk!

Avengers assemble!

Classic Aukema family. All cuddling on one giant sofa. This is where Nate would have felt awkward. If he had been there, he probably would have been sitting on one of the stools behind us. ;)

Florida Baby Shower :)

 While I was home, my dear Aunt Janet and cousin Leigh Anna threw me an amazing baby shower! The rubber ducky theme was so adorable! All the food was delicious (chocolate chip cookie Nutella sandwiches! Petit Fours! cucumber sandwiches! Jones soda!) They did so much work and I loved it all!

Mama and all her girls :)

 During the clean-up, the ducky baby bath tub was commandeered by Eden and Randi. Eden dubbed it,"Quack." Quack made many more appearances during my stay.

 Mitzi and Mandi helped demonstrate swaddling for me, with the help of baby Reed of course!

Mandi also helped demonstrate the sling she got me with assistance from Reed! He's such a champ!

 Can't believe Leah is getting married this summer! So happy for you lady!!

 Check out the fancies hanging from the ceiling. Yeah, Leigh Anna made those.

I loved spending time with my '08 girls :)

Love these girls so so much!!

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The shower was absolutely fabulous and I felt so loved! I went home with a few full suitcase of goodies for our baby!